I’m sorry if you don’t like it, but today’s lesson is all about apologies—both good and bad
Lesson summary
Hi there everyone, I’m Jeff and this is Plain English, where we help you upgrade your English with current events and trending topics. JR is the producer, and the full lesson is available at PlainEnglish.com/402.
Coming up today… the elements of a good apology. We all know a bad apology—we’re drowning in them! —but a good, heartfelt apology can help repair or even strengthen friendships and relationships. Unfortunately, humans are hard-wired to defend themselves and deflect blame. But in today’s lesson, I’ll show you the six elements of a good apology.
The English expression we’ll review today is, “Put your money where your mouth is.” And we have a quote of the week too, so let’s dive in.
The ingredients of a true apology
We’ve all heard them, the non-apologetic apologies. They typically go something like this, “I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings” or “I’m sorry that I offended some people.” Or even better, “I’m sorry some people were offended.” This is an artful way of working the words “I’m sorry” into a statement that is not truly an apology. In fact , these statements deflect the blame from the speaker back onto the listener; the real problem here is not what I did, but the way you reacted to it.
The other classic non-apology is the excuse-making apology. These typically include the word “but.” I’m sorry I was late, but the traffic was really bad. I’m sorry I missed the deadline, but I was under a lot of stress.
Statements like this might be better than nothing (might!) but we, as listeners, know they are not sincere apologies. So, if we know what a good apology is not, then what are the characteristics of a good apology?
Psychologists have studied the issue and they have identified six characteristics of a good apology. They are an expression of regret, an explanation of what happened, an acknowledgment of responsibility, a declaration of repentance, an offer of repair, and a request for forgiveness.
That sounds like a lot, and it is. But not every true apology needs all six of those elements. If you are ever in a situation where you need to apologize for something, do consider using some combination of these six ingredients. And if you need to apologize for something really bad or really serious, then pull out all the stops and use all six.
We’ll talk about each step, in order, and we’ll create a sincere apology as we go along. Pretend you were supposed to meet your friend for lunch at noon, but you didn’t arrive until 1:30 in the afternoon. Let’s practice the six steps in this situation.
Number one, an expression of regret. This is the “I’m sorry” statement, where you show that looking back, you wish something had been different. It’s the way you start something off. “I’m sorry I was late.”
Next, you can explain what happened. The listener is often curious about the circumstances of a wrongful action, so you can offer a little bit of information here. Be careful not to make this sound like an excuse; you can accept blame and explain at the same time. Instead of saying, “I’m sorry I was late, but traffic was really bad,” you can say, “I’m sorry I was late. Traffic was very bad today.”
Number three is an acknowledgment of responsibility. You don’t blame the traffic, you blame yourself. “I misjudged the traffic at this time of day and didn’t leave early enough.” That’s an example of putting the blame on yourself.
The fourth step is a declaration of repentance. This is the time to show that you personally know there was harm done by your actions; it’s time to acknowledge the effect on the other person. You can work another “I’m sorry” in here too.
Notice that the action and the harm done are different. The action is that you were an hour late. But the harm done is that the other person lost an hour of their afternoon, or the other person had to sit alone awkwardly in a crowded restaurant. When you declare repentance, you want to focus on the harm done to the other person. For example, “You were waiting alone in a crowded restaurant for an hour when you could have been at home. I’m sorry to have left you waiting for so long.”
Next up, an offer of repair. You want to do something for the other person. The objective isn’t to buy the other person’s forgiveness. Instead, you want to show the other person you’re serious about making amends. You want to put your money where your mouth is . Again, it doesn’t have to be a big offer of repair, but it should be something. “Let me pick up the check for lunch today.” Or “Next time, we’ll go to the restaurant near your house, so you don’t have to travel as far.” Something like that.
The last element is a little controversial; you ask for forgiveness. You don’t want to demand or expect forgiveness, but you can request it. “I hope you’ll forgive me for making you wait.” When you request forgiveness, keep in mind that you, as the offending party, don’t have a right to forgiveness; you can only request it. The wronged party can choose to forgive you or not and can choose when to do so, if ever .
So, I left you waiting for an hour at a crowded restaurant. Here’s what my apology sounds like, “I’m sorry I was late. Traffic was bad today, but I totally misjudged how much time it would take on a Saturday afternoon and I didn’t leave early enough. I feel so bad you were waiting here for an hour with nothing to do. Would you let me pick up the check today?”
That’s a long apology for being late, but you get the idea. That sounds a lot better than, “I’m sorry, but traffic was bad,” right?
Sorry, not sorry
Personally, I would like to hear far, far fewer apologies. But I would like the apologies I do hear to be more sincere. I also don’t love the tendency in our society to demand an apology, and then to criticize the person apologizing for not being sincere!
A thoughtful apology is good for the speaker as well as the listener. When we do something wrong, we often try to protect ourselves by being defensive. “I’m sorry but…” deflects the blame. That might reduce the initial tension, but it doesn’t resolve true feelings of regret. So next time you do something wrong, even something small, try to put three or four of these ingredients together in a true apology and see how it goes.
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