Here are the results of my hard seltzer taste test
Lesson summary
Hi there, it’s Jeff and this is Plain English lesson number 475, which means JR has uploaded all the content for this lesson to PlainEnglish.com/475.
Coming up today: I tasted five hard alcoholic seltzers in a blind taste test, carefully administered by JR. I won’t spoil the surprise, but let’s just say, it wasn’t my finest hour . You’ll see what I mean in a few minutes. The expression we’ll review today is “take the plunge” and JR has a song of the week.
A seltzer taste-test train wreck
You learned on Monday that hard seltzers are a new category of alcoholic drink that’s taking the beverage industry by storm. They’re light, low in calories , and they come in a variety of fruit flavors . Just five years ago, they were a niche product at best . Today , they’re a major category in alcoholic beverages.
Overall, I’m a punctual person , but I’m a little late to this party. You see, until just a few weeks ago, I had never had a hard seltzer—not even a sip . When I want an alcoholic beverage, I reach for a beer about three quarters of the time, maybe more. I’ll often have wine with a meal. And only occasionally will I have a cocktail.
I’ve seen a lot of ads for hard seltzers, on television and online. But mostly I’ve seen people in my social circle drink them. People drink them at parties, at bars, in the parks and on the beaches. White Claw is the most popular brand. JR discovered White Claw about a year ago and it quickly became his favorite summertime drink .
Still, I had never tried one. There was never a time when I decided I wanted an alcoholic seltzer instead of a beer. But then, I invited people over to my house. Many of them shunned the beer I already had in my fridge and they brought their own seltzer. When the party was over, I had a few leftover seltzers in my fridge, so I decided to take the plunge .
I booked a celebrity guest bartender for the occasion; his name is JR. I had three brands and five flavors . I went into my office while JR poured a sample of each into five clear juice glasses. He told me there were three brands, White Claw, Vizzy, and Truly. And there were five flavors. They were passion fruit , pineapple-mango , watermelon , citrus, and berry punch.
Of the five samples, two were as clear as plain sparkling water . One was just ever so slightly hazy . And two had distinct colors: one was a cloudy pink and the other was a cloudy gold color, like ginger ale . I don’t know why, but I immediately assumed that the clearest ones were White Claw. Other than the pinkish one, the colors didn’t reveal anything about the flavors. And the pinkish one could have been watermelon, berry punch, or passion fruit.
Now I couldn’t delay any longer: it was time to take the first sip. JR arranged the samples on a cutting board ; the glasses were numbered one through five. I started with number one. As if tasting a fine wine, I wanted to first experience the aroma . Seltzer number one had a sweet smell, but I couldn’t peg it . I took the first sip; it was not too bubbly and had a hint of generic fruit flavor. Just seconds after the sip, I found it left a chemical finish , like conventional diet soda does. I guessed passion fruit, but I didn’t know. This was one of the clear ones, so I thought it was a White Claw.
Next was seltzer number two. This was the slightly cloudy one, but it had a fruity flavor that I couldn’t place . Then, panic set in . I started to doubt my first choice. Now I thought this one was passion fruit.
Number three didn’t make things any clearer. It had a similar texture and mouthfeel as number one, so I guessed this was also White Claw. At first, I said it was pineapple, but then I changed my mind and said it was citrus.
Numbers four and five were the cloudy ones. The first was the golden color; I thought it smelled like lime popsicle , but it gave hints of cough syrup on my tongue. I guessed berry punch. I took a sip of water to cleanse my palate before tasting the final, pinkish seltzer. That one tasted like bubble-gum flavored medicine —not like cough syrup, but like liquid antibiotics or something. It’s not a flavor I want to taste ever again.
After tasting all of the samples, I knew I was doomed . None of the seltzers tasted clearly like any of the flavors. If one smells like lime popsicle, but tastes like cough syrup, is that berry? Or citrus? I thought hard about when I was a kid and liked flavored candy. What was the difference between watermelon and berry punch? I started to doubt myself. I changed my choices. JR looked on in disbelief . He didn’t reveal any of the answers. The only thing his face revealed was that he was clearly watching a train wreck .
I didn’t get a single flavor right. The first was passion fruit; I thought it was pineapple-mango. These, by the way, are not even similar flavors. How could I have gotten it so wrong? The second was pineapple-mango; that’s the one I said was passion fruit. The third was watermelon; I said citrus—again, not even close. The fourth was citrus; I said berry punch. The fifth (the pink one) was berry punch, but I said watermelon.
I was clueless about the taste: that much is clear. But did I like them? The answer is not really. Out of the three brands I tried, I would say White Claw is acceptable . If I were at a pool party or the beach or if I just wanted something light to drink, a White Claw would fit the bill. JR then asked, if I were stranded on a desert island , and the only option were to drink Truly, would I do it? I said no. Stranded on a desert island with nothing else to drink, I don’t think I would even open the Truly. JR agreed. “I truly hate Truly,” he informed me.
Not an actual fruit flavor…
In my defense, none of these tasted like the actual fruit. They tasted like fruit candy. A watermelon candy doesn’t taste like watermelon; it has its own taste . But now I’m starting to doubt myself. If JR blindfolded me and served me a cube of pineapple and a cube of watermelon, would I be able to tell the difference ? Before, I thought yes. Now, I’m not so sure.
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